On Attachment

Why attachment is futile? And what's the best approach to deal with it?

When people come into our lives, it doesn't necessarily imply a good thing. Similarly, when someone leaves, it's not a bad thing either. It simply means that our paths collided for a brief moment and then diverged. It's called fate. Fate has its own mysterious ways of working. It neither follows reason nor logic. It's incomprehensible and outside of our control. So working against fate is useless. Since emotional attachment with someone is also out of our control, and largely decided by fate, it's useless to hold on to someone or something. It's better to let go.

Before attaching our feelings with someone, we should ask ourselves some questions first.

Do we have control over other people, or their feelings? Can we stop time, even just for a tiniest moment? Can we stop someone from dying, or make them stay with us a little longer? Do we have the power to make someone love us, or force them to reciprocate our affections? And finally, can we compel our children to stay with us forever, stoping them from becoming their own individuals? The answer to all these questions is "no." And if the the answer is no, then why we go through the pain of attachment? Isn't it absurd?

"There is never a need to get worked up about things you can't control."

__ Marcus Aurelius

Parents raise children with so much love and care. Even the slightest thought of separation from them send a sharp pang of pain through their hearts like a knife. They never think of the inevitable: that some day their children will leave them, or they will leave their children. In fact, no matter how much they are loved, children become adults and then develop into their own individuals. To the chagrin of parents, children live in the future, the future which the parents couldn't possibly reach. Khalil Gibran beautifully illustrates the sweet but precarious bond of attachment between parents and children in his poem, On Children:

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself

They come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

For they have their own thoughts

You may house their bodies but not their souls

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow

__ On Children, Khalil Gibran

Same is the case with a romantic attachment. It is the most dangerous of all attachments because it brews emotions in us that once set in motion are difficult to tame. Emotions of passion are sweet but also fatal. Because of this attachment, millions and millions of people have lost their lives since the inception of human race. Actually, when we like someone, we tend to ignore the fact that what's good for me isn't necessarily good for him/her. We become selfish, possessive, and greedy in love. We become blind to the other person's wishes or desires. And that create in us an imaginary world inside our brains that doesn't really exist in reality. In the end we can't let go of that person because of our emotional attachment, ignoring the fact that people come and go in our lives; as a result, we become envious, resentful and angry all the time. Epictetus says:

Men are disturbed not by things, but by view they take of them.

__ Epictetus

In the 21st century, we are attached to our jobs, smartphones, property, among many other things. We indulge ourselves in smartphones all day long, and can't put it away even just for 5 minutes. It's like we are afraid of spending time with ourselves, or a better way of putting it would be: we are afraid of ourselves. By doing this, our focus changes from us to others. We concern ourselves with what other people are doing instead of focusing on our own lives. We long for other people lives, thier wealth and their material things. Ironically, in the process, we forget that everything is ephemeral. Nothing lasts forever. However, somehow, our attachments hit the wrong mark and become fake, wasting our precious time and efforts.

"Receive without pride, let go without attachment."

__ Marcus Aurelius

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

__ Oscar Wild

Attachment is futile, be it with things or people. This doesn't mean that we ought to remove attachment completely from our lives. It's impossible. However, we can adopt the middle way. This can be found in the teaching of the stoic philosopher, Epictetus, which said that if you are fond of a ceramic cup, remember that it's only a ceramic cup in general and that it can break at any moment. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. Similarly, if you kiss your child, or a wife, think that you're only loving things which are human, thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies. After all, if fate decides everything, then why worry about things that are not our control. It's better to attach our feelings to ourselves rather than other people. Think about it for a moment!

"Just keep in mind: the more we value things outside our control, the less control we have."

__ Epictetus

Sheraz Khan writes for fun. He can be reached at sherazreads@gmail.com.